Waiting For Angelica…

waiting for overdue baby

I’m not sleeping very well at the moment (I’ve just done five hours, but most of it spent tossing and turning and dreaming that I was in labour, which wasn’t very restful!) and so I’m glued to my laptop, most mornings, working through the huge list of posts that I wanted to get done before New Baby makes an appearance.

This pregnancy feels so different to the last; perhaps because we have a home to live in and I feel ready for the baby to arrive. With Angelica, who was an overdue baby by 12 days, we were consumed with all of the business of having our house renovated, and it was only when I passed the forty week mark that I started to get impatient.

overdue baby blog

And that was only really because everyone else did. Goodness me! People texting constantly asking whether the “baby had arrived yet” and “bet you’re sick of waiting now” and “any day! How exciting!” I was in no rush for Angelica to appear, before then – we’d waited six years for her, the world’s biggest test of patience, it wasn’t as though a few more days were going to make any difference.

But this time I’m a little more ready – the hospital is three minutes away rather than an hour (I was so nervy about going into labour with Angelica, stuck out in our little holiday barn with hardly any phone reception!), we have people we can call on to come and help if we need it (our wonderful two-days nanny lives up the road!) and I have endless supplies of muslin cloths and babygrows and cereal bars (for me) and chests of drawers to store everything in and a big comfy bed to lie in and a television in my bedroom. Coming home with this baby will be like staying at the Ritz compared to the situation with Angelica!

overdue baby blog

Angelica was born on the 17th June, 2015. She was due, I think, on the 5th. It started off as being the 10th, but then she was big on the scan (surprise!) and they adjusted the due date. When I was 38 weeks pregnant (same stage as I am now, writing this) we moved from our tiny holiday let in Hertfordshire, with its constantly breaking-down kitchen appliances, to a tiny holiday let in the middle of nowhere, somewhere near to Cambridgeshire.

I can’t quite believe it now, what we were doing – going from place to place, constantly whittling down our belongings so that by the time we arrived in our rural abode we just had a couple of suitcases, some plastic boxes filled with non-perishable groceries (tins, condiments, cooking oils) and my huge iMac computer screen. And as we were moving about, our actual home was a building site with huge invoices to be paid and problem after problem to be dealt with. The stress of it. No wonder I didn’t have time to think about a baby coming along!

overdue baby blog

I think, now, that I was in total denial. It had taken so long to conceive, and I was so absolutely gobsmacked to even be pregnant and to hold on to the pregnancy, that I couldn’t think beyond pregnancy. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to hold a tiny baby, or to breastfeed, or to have this warm little form sleeping next to me. I don’t think I felt particularly uncomfortable, either – even at the end of the pregnancy, and I was huge. Because Angelica was breech, she didn’t press down on my bladder (and other parts!) the way this baby does and so I was speed-walking daily up until the day that my waters broke. Not really waddling, either – striding.

overdue baby blog

We would walk out from our little barn in the middle of nowhere, and it was so sunny for the weeks leading up to the birth, and we would walk Dexter around the fields and down into the woods, and then back in a circuit past a hidden research centre, which we liked to imagine housed zombie experiments and up a steepish hill which always got my pulse going! I remember the precise moment that I thought of Angelica’s name – Dexter was getting shouted at for eating sheep poo and the name Angelica Rae just popped into my head, fully-formed, and felt completely right. We didn’t know we were having a girl – we were absolutely sure she was a boy, and everyone we knew also thought she would be a boy. When they called out “it’s a girl” in theatre, it was the best surprise of my life. I was so stunned when she let out a cry, and she was across the room and she had come from me, this other thing that was all mine. Apparently I made the strangest noise, like an animal.

overdue baby blog

But before that we walked and walked; husband, me, Dexter, in the sun, waiting for Angelica. 38 weeks was soon 40 weeks, and still I was in no rush – I couldn’t understand the hurry that other people were in for my baby to arrive. I was still working, right up until the day before she was born – I think I made a brand video for a client about four days before she came, though it was never used because the light in the barn was so low and also I forgot to plug the microphone into the camera!

The barn was a tiny converted animal barn, I think – so tiny it felt like more of a caravan than a house. Rickety and dated, but very charming as it was surrounded with the most colourful, well-stocked gardens, and there was a duck pond behind it with geese and ducks. There was a minute little living room area, with two two-seater sofas facing one another, but neither actually facing the small tv set. So we would have one each (Dexter on my husband’s lap) and lie on them full-length, propped up with cushions and our feet at the other end resting on occasional tables, and we’d watch hours of television to pass the time. If we weren’t walking, or at Tesco (we went to Tesco a lot – I ate a lot!) or visiting the building site that was our home, or having antenatal appointments.

overdue baby blog

After a while, overdue baby waiting game did get to me. Mainly, I suspect, because everyone was scaring me about letting babies go too much overdue, but also because we had to move house again when I would be exactly 42 weeks pregnant. So we were faced with this crazy dilemma as the days went on – I didn’t want to be induced, was adamant not to be, in fact, but at this rate we’d be packing up the car and moving back to Hertfordshire with me actually – one way or another – having the baby. I made efforts to get things going “downstairs”. One day I ate a whole pineapple (I think I was 41 weeks – the post is here) and it almost took the lining of my mouth away. Twice I had sweep. I’m pretty sure I forced some terrible, ridiculous sex upon my husband. I ate curry. We walked fast – I ran up a hill.

vbac vs planned section

And finally, 11 days over, my waters broke and the whole birthing rigmarole began. You can read that story here. I’ve rambled in this post, but waiting for New Baby to come brings back so many memories. I think that this time round it’s more exciting, because I know what to expect and how utterly, incomprehensibly amazing it is to hold a baby and for it to be all yours. I can almost smell this baby. I haven’t spoken to him/her, not once (we’ve been communicating telepathically and anyway, I always felt silly talking to my tummy) but we are connected. There’s a baby-shaped little nest waiting for it in our family and I’m ready to see what it looks like and see the first smile and all of those wonderful things all over again.

overdue baby blog

Last time I was Waiting for Angelica, this time – who am I waiting for? Who will this baby turn out to be I wonder?

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31 Comments

  1. Nicola
    January 30, 2017 / 11:36 am

    I’m terrified waiting for my first baby. Two weeks til my section(my back is wrecked so no other option). How will I cope, how will I know what to do, how can I look after something so small?! Constant worry.

    • January 31, 2017 / 4:30 pm

      Nicola,

      I am currently pregnant with my second child, and I was exactly the same as you with my first but I promise that you (and your baby!) will be absolutely fine. It’s easy to worry about everything, and thinking that you’ve done something wrong – but that’s just part of the learning curve! And only the best parents will bother with being worried. My daughter will be 11 less than a month after my baby is due and I’m almost feeling a bit like a first time mum again! But, honestly, you’ll be fine. Good luck for your birth xx

  2. Wendy Brady
    January 30, 2017 / 12:26 pm

    What a beautifully poignant post! I am waiting for baby number 1, ironically also after 6years of trying and failing. But I am also busy and in a little bit of denial about the whole thing! Good luck Ruth and hopefully a little of that will rub off in just under 9weeks for me and baby too.

  3. Jemima
    January 30, 2017 / 12:30 pm

    It is so lovely that you’re having another surprise. I really am all for it. I had two surprises, and they were the best, best, BLOODY BEST surprises I will ever, ever have. I wouldn’t mind another surprise… but my husband is a firm and humongus NO. I had pretty big babies – both of mine were early. But I was so impatient for them to come. Like you, more with the second. Do you think it’s because you know what to expect? So it’s not quite as unknown or fretful? And also, you know how utterly precious this child is going to be, and how you will love her/him with all your heart – just as much as you love the first. Anyway, I wonder too, who this one will be. I think it’s going to be another girl – but what do I know?! A random guess. What do you think? All the very best my dear. For now, the birth, and the blurry bit (six months) afterwards. xxx

  4. Michaela
    January 30, 2017 / 12:42 pm

    This made me cry so much, how beautifully written. You can tell how loved Angelica and the new baby are.
    Currently pregnant with my first and it makes me so excited for all the things to come.

  5. Anna
    January 30, 2017 / 12:43 pm

    Such a beautiful post, all the best for the coming weeks xxx

  6. Charlotte
    January 30, 2017 / 1:50 pm

    What a lovely post Ruth! It feel so strange looking back to how life was post first baby compared with waiting for the second because you’re such a different person this time round. I can remember waiting for my first to be born (he was over a week late!) and not being that impatient about him coming as I was slightly terrified about the prospect of having to keep this tiny thing alive on our own! I also remember the feeling of wondering who my second baby would turn out to be & its amzing looking back now how different my two are & how developed the main traits of their little personalities are right from day 1 (and before when they’re in your tummy – second baby was always much wrigglier!)

    Enjoy your last few “waiting days” and hope all goes well for meeting your new little one!

  7. January 30, 2017 / 2:22 pm

    I was also convinced I was having a boy, so when they said “It’s a girl” in the theatre with me we were both really shocked. I love having a daughter, and couldn’t imagine having a boy now! I had Elise at 34 weeks and we were not ready to be parents at all. She was in the hospital for just over 3 weeks as well. We hadn’t prepared ourselves for the arrival, and her nursery wasn’t finished. In fact we only finished her nursery a few weeks ago and she turned one in November! She was always going to be Elise, a name my husband picked due to his love of cars, and a certain Lotus. If she was a he, the name would have been Ellis.

    I’m so excited to see what the stork is bringing you this time, and it is always worth the wait!

  8. Abigail
    January 30, 2017 / 2:28 pm

    lovely post Ruth – we are just starting our infertility/fertility NHS journey and i’m torturing myself with pregnancy/conception blogs and obsessing over ovulation – but this was a lovely reality-bite and gave me a little twinkle of hope x

    • Emily
      January 31, 2017 / 5:29 pm

      I did the NHS infertility journey last year, some bits are easier than others (& obviously everyone is different), but it could work out wonderfully. I’m now 27 weeks & similarly, cannot imagine this bump being a real baby, I just can’t picture him being an actual child that I have to care for. It’s bizarre. All the best of luck with your journey, it’s all a bit confusing & scary, but it worked for me.

  9. January 30, 2017 / 4:10 pm

    My children are 6 and 8, and, post vasectomy our family making days are behind us. However, I’ve been reading AMR almost from the very beginning of it, and this latest post really is a tear jerker. I couldn’t be happier for you Ruth. Best of luck for the coming weeks and enjoy this incredible time because time suddenly seems to speed up once the Reception years come around. You have inspired me to hunt down my pregnancy and newborn photos later on, and have a sharing session with my kids. X

  10. Angle guest
    January 30, 2017 / 4:25 pm

    What an absolutely lovely post..best wishes Ruth

  11. Angie guest
    January 30, 2017 / 4:27 pm

    What an absolutely lovely post..best wishes Ruth and the Amr family.xx

  12. Caroline
    January 30, 2017 / 4:44 pm

    Best of luck for baby number 2 whenever he or she decides to make their arrival! Thank you so much for saying u haven’t spoken to your bump. I’m almost 29 weeks with my first baby and also find the idea of talking to my tummy quite strange. I feel, like you, that we are communicating in some other telepathic way but was starting to think maybe I was odd or not connecting with my baby in the ‘right’ way because of all the advice around me. Thank you for reassuring me that there is no ‘right’ way, and baby and I can be just as close and connected without having to speak out loud xx

  13. K Stew
    January 30, 2017 / 5:16 pm

    This was a lovely, lovely read.

  14. Nick Barton
    January 30, 2017 / 7:31 pm

    Made me cry. Our Noah was sideways for much of my pregnancy so c-section was planned early on. He was delivered two weeks before his due date at 10lbs 1/2oz! He is now 11 and it seems like yesterday. Love and best wishes to you all xx

  15. Anna
    January 30, 2017 / 7:52 pm

    I just want to say best of luck with everything! You write beautifully, and even though your experience was nothing like mine, it made me think about the time I was waiting for my son to arrive in a way I haven’t in the last seven months he’s been around. Thank you for bringing back memories of what was a truly extraordinary time in my life. I’m so so happy for you.

  16. Anja
    January 30, 2017 / 8:37 pm

    What a beautiful written piece. So much love in it! I was only 7 days overdue, but I really didn’t mind. I felt really well, I loved being pregnant and I didn’t necessarily want it to end. And yes the texts from others were what was bothering me the most.
    I can’t wait to see your love for the baby AMR no. 2!

  17. Seso
    January 30, 2017 / 9:03 pm

    What a lovely post. Brings back so many memories, my son was born last year, June 14. I miss this 🙂

  18. January 30, 2017 / 9:10 pm

    I knew I was having a boy the second time around, so I was full of worries that I wouldn´t know how to look after baby boys (I only have sisters). I was much more anxious for him to arrive than I was the first time around.

  19. January 30, 2017 / 10:20 pm

    I loved reading this. I have a daughter who has just turned 2 but I remember the run up to the birth so clearly too. Thanks for sharing.

  20. Kathryn
    January 30, 2017 / 11:27 pm

    Ah! You’ve made me remember the birth of my little 4 month old girl and tear up. Hearing, seeing, and holding her for the first time was the most wonderful moment. I’m so excited for you xo

  21. Amrit
    January 30, 2017 / 11:53 pm

    Lovely post Ruth, made me cry! Been following you for years now and I wish you all the best with baby no.2. You deserve all the happiness in the world xxxx

  22. Pen
    January 31, 2017 / 8:41 am

    What a lovely evocative post! Brought back memories of my own three. Hope it all goes wonderfully for you when ever this one happens! Can’t wait to hear about it! Good luck Ruth xx

  23. Simone
    January 31, 2017 / 11:17 am

    Hi Ruth,
    l could read this post over and over again !!! ( exclamation points for your Mum).
    I became quite emotional when l was reading it. Thankyou for sharing XX

  24. Kate
    January 31, 2017 / 1:28 pm

    Ruth, this is one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read. Thank you for sharing it with us. I wish you and the AMR family all the best as your newest members arrives. x

  25. Hannah Chaney
    January 31, 2017 / 10:05 pm

    Loved reading this post, I think I say that about most of your posts but ahhhh well

  26. Sinead
    February 1, 2017 / 9:34 am

    beautiful x and remember a tractor or farm machinery kept going off every time you filmed or was it birds?? My memory of that time was how sunny it was. Crazy how much us followers are on the journey with you..I remember it so well( and so great its documented Ruth…I would love to have stories like that for my 3 its such a special time..waiting for baby) x

  27. Emma
    February 1, 2017 / 9:22 pm

    What a beautiful post xx

  28. Heather
    February 2, 2017 / 6:44 pm

    Love your posts Ruth. I’ve followed A Model Recommends for years and you’ve started many an obsession (pixi, pai, alpha-h). I’ve dipped in an out of the Uphill but since finding out I’m pregnant (early weeks still) I’ve devoured every post on here. I’ve found the past month hard – a combination of shock, fear and feeling horrid. My husband, family and friends have been great but reading your posts has been brilliant. You’re honest and hilarious and real without terrifying me. Another blog I looked at today just scared me – it was meant to be funny (and I have a sense of humour) but it just made life with children sound hideous. So I’m sticking with your blog. I hope I’m lucky enough to be as good a Mum as you (and still have time for the A Model Recommends part of my life too). So much love and luck to you x
    PS. Vlogmas is just the best

  29. February 3, 2017 / 7:32 am

    What a lovely read. This brought back some memories and it was only 6 months ago that I had Jacob. I’m sure it will be much easier being in your proper house afterwards. Good luck with it all!

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