Things People Say When You’re Pregnant..

One of the things that has most surprised me about pregnancy: the absolutely outrageous things that people say to you. Totally and utterly insensitive, unthinking and – quite often – bizarre. Now I have to hold my hands up and say that I, too, have said some of the things below – and I’m not even sure that I won’t say them again, so this is not supposed to embarrass or shame anyone. I think it may be just that when faced with a pregnant person we say stupid stuff: all you can see is the bump, the human attached does not exist, and so you resort to either clichéd sayings or things that pop into your head. And I’ll admit that when you’re pregnant you are about five million times more sensitive and every comment seems like some kind of witch’s curse or insult or bad omen..

TOP FIVE MOST ANNOYING THINGS PEOPLE SAY WHEN YOU’RE PREGNANT:

1) “Are you sure you’re not having twins?” Where do I even start with this one? Every time someone has said this I have been so tempted to say, “I’ve had ten antenatal appointments and four scans: how in God’s name would I NOT KNOW IF I WAS HAVING TWINS? You bell-end.” (Ha. Imagine if I now had surprise twins. That would be cringe, wouldn’t it?)

2) “But you’re so big?” This one happens all the time. It makes me want to smack my face with my own hand. Why would it surprise anyone that you were big? There’s a bloody baby in there! It’s simply the most ridiculous thing to say.

3) “But it looks so…small?” Often you get this and also the previous comment ON THE SAME DAY. Because everyone’s an expert when it comes to the size of your baby bump. Comments on baby bump sizing can quite frequently be followed up with some kind of highly insensitive personal experience story about how their own bump measured small and the baby had a serious illness, or their bump measured large and it turned out they had gestational diabetes and almost died in childbirth and lost eighty-five pints of blood and had to call a priest to have Last Rites. (The “personal experience” horror story genre is a whole other post, I think.)

4) “That’s definitely a boy” or “that’s definitely a girl“. Is it? IS IT?!!!!!!!! I don’t know why this one even irritates me that much, because in a way it’s nice that people are involved and want to guess. I think it’s possibly the wording; the know-it-all smugness and the certainty of the tone. (Sensitive, much? I warned you!)

5) Any sentence starting with “you just wait until…” For example, “you think you’re tired at twelve weeks? Ha! You just wait until you’re thirty weeks, then you’ll know all about it!” or “you think your back aches at thirty four weeks? You just wait until thirty nine weeks, love!” or, “you think you’re tired now? You just wait for the next sixteen years of your nightmarish, regretful existence.” There are many reasons I hate the “you just wait” opener; the pessimism, the almost joyful ill-wishing, but mostly the fact that I can’t stand constant moaners. There are those in life who get on with stuff – I have many friends who are knackered with kids, who get up at 5am every morning and have done for the past six years, but who do so with a sense of joie de vivre, because why have kids if you’re just going to harp on about how crap it all is? – and there are those who like to wear every single inconvenience like some kind of battle scar. Half the time, when they start a sentence with “you just wait until…”, what they are really saying is “there’s no way that your experience could be half as bad as my own.” O, me miserum. Of course their are those who truly do have a terrible time – in pregnancy, in birth, in life in general – but haven’t you noticed that they generally tend to be the quiet ones? Silent sufferers? I could be wrong…

OTHER MOST ANNOYING THINGS PEOPLE SAY WHEN YOU’RE PREGNANT (with thanks to Twitter followers for contributions!):

Wow! Aren’t you small/large/pale/puffy? Is everything OK?”

Aren’t you scared about the labour? I would be so scared about the labour…

Let me give you some advice…

I could tell you were pregnant before you even turned around.”

Was it planned?”

Ooh, I don’t envy you giving birth…I bet he’ll be a whopper!

You look like you’re about to burst!

Susan tore so much that she now has to wear a colostomy bag.”

You need to eat more than that – you’re eating for two now.” (This one also deserves its own post. Total myth. You are not eating for two, unless you want to emerge on the other side with about seven stone to lose and clogged up arteries.)

I planned for a natural birth as well, but JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL YOU FEEL THE PAIN!

And then we have the things that people say that don’t seem to just be idiotic blunders; perhaps they are. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. But – seriously? Here goes:

DEEPLY WORRYING THINGS PEOPLE SAY WHEN YOU’RE PREGNANT:

“I made it to twenty weeks too, but don’t think you’re out of the danger zone. I won’t even tell you what happened to me.”

“Do you think this one will stick around?” (Said to person with previous multiple miscarriages.)

“How did your screening go? Everything OK? Because, you know, at your age…” (Said to person in early forties.)

“Look. What will be will be. If you lose it before twelve weeks, it’s just nature’s way of doing natural selection.” (Said – completely unprompted – to eight-week pregnant person who had previously not even considered the possibility that she might lose her baby. She didn’t lose her baby, by the way.)

Please do add your own contributions in the comments below – I need to do a whole other discussion on “things people say when you have no kids” because a few people mentioned that on Twitter. I think that those comments are the most soul-destroying and upsetting, especially when you are trying and/or struggling to conceive, or perhaps have failed in your attempts and are trying to come to terms with it. Again, I’m under no illusion that people generally mean well – it’s just age-old cliché and an inability to think of something to say that takes over your brain…

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144 Comments

  1. S
    May 13, 2015 / 5:42 pm

    I’ve been told several times: “Don’t wait too long if you want any, you’re not getting any younger”. If only they knew that we are not ‘waiting’ – we are struggling, and possibly about to start with fertility treatment. Idiots!

    • May 13, 2015 / 5:49 pm

      Yep. Had that one – a lot. Feel for you. x

    • L
      May 13, 2015 / 9:32 pm

      Yep! Frankly, I wish people (other than the closest of friends) would just refrain from asking about plans regarding children at all. The honest answer (We’re currently trying and failing/we know we can never have them/we just don’t want them/I’m pregnant right now but it’s too early to talk about) is always awkward. For all parties.

    • Marcela
      May 14, 2015 / 8:09 am

      I’ve heard it for years. And things like “oh look at that baby” or enumerating who’s pregnant right now.
      And sometimes pregnant friends saying: “maybe we’ll inspire you to have children” as if we need any inspiration…

    • Gillian
      May 14, 2015 / 12:52 pm

      Good luck, I hope it happens soon xx

    • V
      May 17, 2015 / 12:32 pm

      This happens to me all the time. We’re about to maybe start IVF and I think a little bit of my heart breaks every time someone says “You’re not getting any younger!” I’m 30.

      • Caroline
        May 19, 2015 / 8:17 am

        This also happens to me all the time… We have been trying for 4 years, and been through 1 IVF going on our second now… Its so hurtful! All your world spins around is babies and pregnant bellies! If they only could keep their comments for themselves…

      • No
        October 19, 2016 / 10:05 am

        My mom was 38 an I have a 165 IQ studies show that giving birth at ages 16-18 and
        29-40 will be incredibly smart

    • Dorothy
      May 18, 2015 / 3:02 pm

      Had that one so many times during our 3 years infertility struggle… Even more insensitive when I miscarried our twins after our second IVF.
      Being now 28 weeks pregnant after 3 IVF and multiple failed embryos transfers, I still get comments about my age… but i came out of the closet and now tells everyone about out journey.

    • May 20, 2015 / 3:22 pm

      Idiots -agreed!!!.. I get that all the time.. but they dont know the issues (its confidential- its not always to share)… yes Ive been married 5 years.. yes weve planned to kids and it hasnt happened.. YET.. and yes they keep telling me how long Ive been married and not to wait any longer.. or tell me when to have have a child by (33!!).. its so hard..like its not any ones business?… but well done Ruth.. im sooo happy for you xx

  2. Vicky
    May 13, 2015 / 6:23 pm

    People constantly commenting on the size of my bump. One woman at work gives me daily updates on how ‘heavily pregnant’ I’m looking. I’m currently 29 weeks so this will be continuing for the foreseeable future.

    • May 13, 2015 / 6:24 pm

      Haha! Oh God. Give her updates on her appearance.

  3. BB
    May 13, 2015 / 6:26 pm

    ‘Congratulations!! Our God daughter got to 26 weeks then they told her the baby had died. But it hadn’t, so it was OK.’

    Because THATS how you congratulate someone at 12 weeks???!!!!!! Or, from the in-laws….

    F-I-L: ‘Oh well, I used to do lambing and let me tell you they tear through ALL the holes when giving birth…..’

    Me: ‘errrr, I’m only 8 weeks pregnant, I don’t want to hear that thanks….especially not while we are eating in a restaurant’

    M-I-L: ‘oh, sweetie, why did you get pregnant then??!!!’

    Or

    Random friends: ‘its about time too…’

    And finally, from a neighbour:
    ‘Oh my GAWD youre HHHUUUUUUGGGGGEEEEE.’ (Said at 25 weeks when I actually am quite compact!!!!)

    *sigh*…

    • May 13, 2015 / 9:47 pm

      UGH! The lambing thing. Why would you ever say that. UGH!!!

  4. Marianne
    May 13, 2015 / 6:37 pm

    I HATED it when strangers touched my bump without asking, or telling me about the pregnancy complains the cousin of their friend’s neighbour had. Or strangers wanting to know about my symptoms. I would gladly tell them that I peed myself when sneezing or that my discharge was horrendous, that shut them up pretty quickly 😉

  5. Helen
    May 13, 2015 / 6:38 pm

    Couldn’t agree more – I’m currently 25weeks and got told by a male colleague today that I’m starting to “waddle” yesterday I had gosh isn’t it (bump)big! i don’t understand why people feel they can comment!

    • May 13, 2015 / 9:47 pm

      That’s one more tea to spit in then! ; )

  6. Row
    May 13, 2015 / 6:49 pm

    People are twats, and when the baby is born it gets worse (oh hang on…contradicting myself with the forewarning but never mind)…random thoughts ahead….

    Bump no. 1 was very small, mother expressed concern which I kept telling her midwife knows best, well she didn’t, because he had stopped growing…anyway the midwife looked at my gigantic J cup chi chis and said, ‘In your case, i doubt your stomach will ever protrude past your breasts anyway’. Why thank you for that very precise way of measuring my child’s growth, he nearly died in my womb.

    Also when I was in the hospital trying to get to grips with breastfeeding (midwives no help whatsoever) one said to me ‘Eh lad, you’ll never go hungry with those two’ (another boob comment).

    One thing that annoyed me actually, was peoples gender wishes for your children – for example my family are girl heavy and were happy with either but husbands family are boy heavy – they want a girl. At one point a relative actually said ‘I hope it’s a girl’ – I thought hang on – so am I supposed to feel a deep sense of disappointment if it’s a boy? Because I wanted 2 boys first anyway, but thanks for telling me what you hope I have seeing as you’ll see this child 0.5 times a year! My MIL also looked at me and said it looks like a boy *shakes head*. RUDE.

    Oh wait wait more is coming to me. After a c-section, very painful etc etc. my MIL says, I don’t know why these modern day women pick c-sections because they can’t be bothered…Er, it’s an emergency c-section for many women, love. It’s called have the surgery or die. Or, I didn’t need ANY pain relief, it just isn’t necessary…oh really? Good for you. Maybe you have a bionic vagina.

    The ‘You just wait…’ is annoying and I admit I do go round telling parents to get as much sleep as possible because it is TIRING. I live on 3 hours sleep a night, I know tiredness well but newborn tiredness is really out there but it is SUCH a short period of time! When I was due baby no. 2, I had people say things to me like ‘How will you cope?’ over and over, and ‘I feel sorry for you with 2 so close in age’. It’s like, I am actually quite aware of my fertility and I knew when he was conceived, I planned it so, I wanted this age gap, why do people presume what they don’t want is what you wouldn’t want?! I said to the commenter, ‘I have no idea why it would be hard to cope, because since when have I ever needed a baby sitter or anyone else to watch my kid?’ [cue silence].

    That’ll do for now. You need to come back and do a post of shit people say when the child is born. Reams and reams of paranoia inducing advice.

    Kisses, R x

    • May 13, 2015 / 9:46 pm

      Haha, I will! Oh God at the C-Section comment! Lots of stems from people just not knowing what they are talking about. But I’ve been really surprised at comments from very intelligent, otherwise-sensitive women who struggled with various things or had complications. You kind of feel that they might be bitter and taking it out on you!

  7. Ruth Shenton
    May 13, 2015 / 6:50 pm

    Wait until you get to your due date and you get a constant barrage of texts/tweets/conversations that start with….”oh you’ve not had the baby yet?!”….it drove me insane! Oh and the constant reminders of lack of sleep….
    Enjoy every second, becoming a Mummy was the best thing to ever happen to me, it’s utter joy

    • May 13, 2015 / 9:44 pm

      Yeah I wish I had never told anyone my due date! Rookie error. x

      • Mary
        May 16, 2015 / 2:55 am

        Don’t worry Ruth, I don’t recall you telling us here on the web your EXACT due date. So if online wisenheimers start moaning about how “weird” you are for supposedly “carrying over” the term of the pregnancy, you can always craft a clever retort to the effect that they clearly failed their kindergarten and first grade math/logic classes. I know you can do it….You’re an M.A.!!!

        So all the best to you and good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy. And for the record, you don’t look pregnant from behind nor is your bump too big! Can’t wait to see Baby AMR.

    • Melanie
      May 20, 2015 / 6:57 pm

      I hated that too. People calling in every day “Is the baby there yet?” and then telling me things I need to do, to get everything going. “WHY SHOULD I? IT IS (obviously) NOT READY YET!” Besides that the most awful comment I once got was from my fiancés cousin. She said – regarding our engagement: “Well done. Secured and now keep on searching.”

  8. Lizzie
    May 13, 2015 / 7:17 pm

    My sister’s Mil asked if she could “talk to the bump” so my dear sister just stood there as her Mil said loudly to her tummy, “you better be a boy my dear!”

  9. Ciara
    May 13, 2015 / 7:23 pm

    Random people, absolute strangers will ask variants of: “have you chosen names?” “What are you going to name him/her?” – as though they are entitled to know. When you politely decline to share said information they look at you like you like you’ve just slapped them! Because I’m going to go around telling complete strangers details that we hadn’t shared with many friends & family.

  10. Brittany
    May 13, 2015 / 7:49 pm

    “You want kids?! More than one?! Your time is running out, you know. You don’t have many eggs left. You better hurry up.”

    IS IT?! I’m only 29! I won’t even start about the “You’re not married yet?! You’ve never been married?!” comments.

    And my sister-in-law’s mother says I have baby fever if I hold my four-month-old niece (who has had a lot of problems and pain and needs lots of cuddles) too long. It’s not my fault they all get annoyed at her crying and ignore her. Poor little thing.

    • Heidi
      May 14, 2015 / 3:05 am

      THIS. I’m a career academic and in the later stages of a PhD in astrophysics, but because I just turned 31, all people keep reminding me of is my (apparently dwindling) fertility. (One relative even told me that you can request a special test to assess the health of your eggs!)

      It’s really offensive, because it makes it sound like my only ‘real’ purpose in life is to reproduce.

  11. Aya
    May 13, 2015 / 7:49 pm

    Oh man, I am so with you with these. I’m 31 weeks right now and it’s like all social etiquette goes out the window when you’re pregnant!
    Other favorites (read–not favorites):

    –When does the milk come in?
    –Can pregnant women still have sex? Does the baby feel it?
    –You’re getting fat. …Haha..I can say that because you’re pregnant. (uh…no. Still can’t).
    –You’re bigger every time I see you! (Yes, baby and I are literally growing all the time).
    –If you don’t know the sex, how to you know what to buy!?!
    –It’s good you’re working out. The pregnant women at my work are soooooo lazy. (Maybe they feel horrible, jerk. Lay off).

    These all sound ridiculous when writing them out. I wish I were making them up, but alas.

    • May 13, 2015 / 9:44 pm

      LOL at the sex thing. Haven’t had that one yet! x

  12. Evie
    May 13, 2015 / 7:50 pm

    From my own mother…..”healthy babies don’t die”, that may be true, but when you’ve literally just been informed that your child is dead inside you, it’s not something you want to hear.

    • May 13, 2015 / 9:43 pm

      Or “it’s just nature’s way” or “at least you know now that you can GET pregnant.” Righty-ho, I’ll shut up and stop crying then. x

    • Marcela
      May 14, 2015 / 8:28 am

      People don’t understand that when your child dies inside you or give birth to a dead child (my friend while 7 month of pregnancy) you want to talk about it, especially with the close ones.
      But they seem to think that better not to remind you, as if you could not think about it every second of your life.
      My friend wanted to talk about it and we just listened because I feel like there’s nothing you can say in that moment…

      So sorry for your loss Evie.

  13. Katie
    May 13, 2015 / 8:05 pm

    I don’t want children. But if one more person tells me “you’ll change your mind when you get older” I’ll swing! I’m 32 – it hasn’t happened yet!
    A pregnant colleague was asked recently if it was an accident. What happened to just “congratulations!”?
    Although – I once congratulated a pregnant colleague who replied “it was an accident, I’m not sure I’m keeping it”
    You can’t win!

    • May 13, 2015 / 9:42 pm

      LOL. You really can’t. Last situation seriously awks! x

      • Melanie
        May 20, 2015 / 7:04 pm

        I once got asked how that happened (the pregnancy). I looked a little baffled and answered: “When we had sex. What did you think?” Or even better. “Is it from your fiancé?”. WTF

  14. Ashleigh
    May 13, 2015 / 8:24 pm

    Oh yes, all these and more! Another classic I’ve heard hundreds of times over the past few months is: “Do you mind what you’re having?” – of course not, and anyway I can hardly send it back, can I? (I have taken to responded brightly to this question with “I’m hoping for a puppy!” and leaving it at that.)

    • kirsty
      May 14, 2015 / 1:48 pm

      Omg I’m so going to do this when/if I get pregnant!

    • Willow
      May 15, 2015 / 3:30 pm

      It really shuts them up quick. All I’m hoping for is floppy ears and a tail.

  15. Lisa
    May 13, 2015 / 8:29 pm

    The day after losing my second baby MY OWN MOTHER said ” you’ve got to stop crying at some point”! And then half an hour later “would you and ( husband) like to go and do some shopping at Sainsburys – I’ll have ( daughter) for a couple of hours, it might take your mind off it”! She is usually the most loving, protective Mom. She just couldn’t handle it.

    • May 13, 2015 / 9:42 pm

      Oh God. Yes. People close to you have strange ways of coping don’t they? Had similar x

  16. May 13, 2015 / 8:33 pm

    These all sound so familiar. My twin sons died after being born very prematurely, so in my rainbow pregnancy, the questions/comments I hated were, “Is it your first?” (Easier to just say yes but then I felt guilty for excluding my first two) and as you mention, “are you sure it’s not twins?” as it’s obviously a sensitive topic.

    Also hated the awkward, “how long left?” question. “Err, three months….” Cue horrified looking face as they wonder how your bump could possibly get any bigger!

    • May 13, 2015 / 9:41 pm

      Oh I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how much tougher stupid comments are when you’ve suffered a terrible loss. xx

    • kirsty
      May 14, 2015 / 1:52 pm

      What a handsom, happy, healthy rainbow baby he is. I read your blog regularly and I cannot commend you and your husband enough for the courage you show. xxx

  17. May 13, 2015 / 8:59 pm

    You just wait… until you hear what people will tel you to your face when the baby is there. These stupid comments never seem to stop.

    • Georgie
      May 14, 2015 / 7:49 am

      Everyone has an opinion don’t they? My sister put some comment on FB about getting her 2 year old to stay in his bed after she’s taken the bars off his cot. Obviously she was looking for advice but she must have had over 100 comments on there with everyone seizing the opportunity to give their advice. Having gone through the same problem myself with my son I still didn’t know the answer so kept schtum.

    • Kate
      June 3, 2015 / 7:12 pm

      THIS! My daughter cried A LOT as a young baby and I’d get unsolicited advice all the time, my absolute favourite being:
      “Are you sure she’s not hungry?”. Oh, you mean I have to FEED it? Shit, I’d forgotten about that part, better get to it then! Silly old me… *facepalm*
      Of all the lessons I have learnt during pregnancy and motherhood to date, most are related to how I shall treat pregnant women and new moms for the rest of my life. You simply have no idea what each person is going through, so be quiet, listen, and if you want to offer something, offer to make some food or mop the floor.
      Wishing you a beautiful birth Ruth! It’s such a magical day.

  18. Cat
    May 13, 2015 / 9:22 pm

    I’ve also had “you’ve been married a while now, when are you both going to pop some little ones out?” When behind the scenes there’s endless tears and trauma trying to conceive for four years! Obviously I understand if I don’t broadcast my ovaries every little action then they aren’t any the wiser but I’d never dream of saying that to anyone in case they too were going through a silent struggle.

    I’ve also seen many a person say to my best friend, “gosh you’re very skinny still. Don’t you think it’s fairer on the baby of you put on a bit of weight?” When she’s naturally fit and healthy but a size 6 throughout her pregnancy. Why is it ok to say things like that to a slimmer lady but its taboo of your a little heavier? Used to bring her to tears regularly.

    Oh and a popular British maternity/baby shop said (when she had SPD and needed a support belt for her bump but the ones they stocked were far too big for her small frame) that “well most pregnant ladies are size 10-16.” With a face that said “so tough doo-doo!”.

    xx

  19. Sam
    May 13, 2015 / 9:25 pm

    I suddenly feel quite guilty because I’ve said some of these things. Mainly about of bump-sized related and how painful labour is going to be. Oopsie. All done with good intentions to make conversation I have to add!

    “Was it planned?” Do people *really* ask that??? How fudging rude!

    In future I will simply ask a pregnant lady, “so how are you?” And compliment her on how shiny her hair is looking. And then offer her some
    Cake. Or is that still too patronising?

    Minefield!

    • May 13, 2015 / 9:39 pm

      No, that sounds just fine! And as I said – we all say these things, it’s like we’re programmed to! x

  20. Hanna
    May 13, 2015 / 9:39 pm

    “How can you not eat meat while pregnant? Babys absolutely need meat to grow healthy.” After he was born all I could think was: tell that to my 4,5kg (I think that’s around 10 pounds) baby. And no, I did not have gestational diabetes.

  21. C
    May 13, 2015 / 10:01 pm

    Oh dear I did this the other day, to a friend who may be mis carrying again. I made a comment about ‘trying again” if this one ‘doesn’t work out’. Ugh I was trying to be nice and don’t know why I said it! I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks myself, I have a friend who’s finally had a baby after seven years and IVF and a poor friend who had a still birth. 🙁 I think sometimes it’s just foot in mouth. I think the worst thing about the ‘trying again’ comments is you want THIS ONE. I just want THIS baby please. I love this baby! Don’t want a new one, just this one, Shit innit. Still very much enjoying your blog 🙂

    • May 14, 2015 / 8:17 am

      Ah, don’t worry. I literally cringe when I think of things I have said. And I think when you’ve been through it yourself you can be a bit flippant as a self-preservation move, thinking that they will appreciate the casualness of the conversation or something. It’s so difficult to gauge.

  22. Karyn
    May 13, 2015 / 10:05 pm

    You have the joy to come of the things people say when you have had your baby, “when are you going to have another” drove me mad, and there’s on,y 13 months between my sons! The most memorable and to me, unforgivable was when they were wheeling me out of the operating theatre after giving birth to my second, lovely, healthy and much wanted son, “never mind, maybe next time you will have a girl” I responded with ” I wanted another child, I’m not bothered about the sex” but that nurse really upset me with that remark, I could have swung for her. I had loads of similar comments when people asked what I had, it seemed that I should have been upset to have two boys. I truly didn’t mind what I had, I just wanted children!

    • May 14, 2015 / 8:16 am

      How weird and insensitive! The mind boggles.

    • rika
      May 17, 2015 / 5:53 pm

      my best friend is pregnant with her second child who is a boy, like her first one also. And people tell her the same thing – “don’t worry you might get a girl next time around!” Or when she tells that she’s having another boy people tell her “I’m sorry” or something along these lines, which really upsets her obviously. Curiously enough I have NEVER heard people telling “I’m sorry” to a woman who has 2 or more daughters!!!! Maybe they tell “‘you’ll get a boy the next time” to the father, then…?

  23. May 13, 2015 / 10:13 pm

    One of the most frustrating things for me has been colleagues insisting on putting literally everything down to “baby” since I told them I was pregnant (not helped by the fact that removing the “the” is a pet peeve of mine.)

    Baby needs lunch. Baby needs the air con turned on. The pregnancy hormones are making me cross (you know, rather than the joke of a courier company I’ve been on the phone to for 20 minutes.) Baby wants a drink of water.

    Hard to feel very professional in that environment.

      • Kate
        May 14, 2015 / 8:12 pm

        I think I would start putting all my work-related requests down to “baby”

        “Baby needs a copy of the multidisciplinary report on his desk by 5pm”

        (or baby gets cranky)

    • Sam
      May 14, 2015 / 8:38 am

      Ha! On one of my pregnancy apps the other day the post started with: “baby’s womb is now …” Baby’s womb?!! Baby’s? I think you’ll find that’s MY womb! Baby is merely a temporary inhabitant!

  24. Mina
    May 13, 2015 / 10:42 pm

    When people were asking : “What do you think you will have? Do you want to know or want to be surprised? ” I used to say ” There are only two options there. If it’s a puppy, THEN I will be surprised!”
    Also, touching my belly. Why do people think they can just touch you?! Like it’s not a part of my body anymore! Bonkers.
    Anyways. You look gorgeous Ruth and I envy your glorious bump /my baba is four months and I miss pregnancy like crazy 🙂

  25. Mina
    May 13, 2015 / 10:47 pm

    Oh and another thing! I’m Polish, and a lot (and I mean a lot) of people asked whether I would talking to my baby in Polish or English. Bear in mind my husband is Polish as well. So why (why???) would we be talking to our child in English instead of our first language? Fricking ignorants!

    • May 14, 2015 / 8:14 am

      Oh my God! That would make me very stabby!

  26. Alanna
    May 13, 2015 / 10:48 pm

    Whenever I enter the office, lady at work says ‘ooh, wide load coming through.’ I’m 25 weeks pregnant.

  27. trina
    May 13, 2015 / 11:33 pm

    I got asked really personal things while pregnant-What is your sex life now? What positions do you guys like the most or work well for you? Uh, really? I didn’t even know these people!! I don’t talk with people about it when I’ve not been pregnant and I’m not going to discuss it for sure when pregnant. I mean, strangers want to know what goes on in our bedroom, amazing. Also, please keep your hands off my tummy. Ew.

  28. Jennifer
    May 14, 2015 / 2:17 am

    geez, reading some of these! half these questions have never even crossed my mind in the first place…but have these people heard of google?!

  29. Donna
    May 14, 2015 / 6:07 am

    I know it’s slightly off topic but it sprang to mind when reading this, as a late 20s career minded woman, I find the comments you get around having children insensitive and again rude! You probably also experienced these!
    “Oh don’t get so stressed about work, just wait till you have kids then you won’t care”
    “You need to have a baby, that’ll stop you staying late at work/caring about you work”
    “So when are you and xxx gonna have a baby? You don’t want to be an old mum. ..”
    “I would never spend £ xxx on a mulberry handbag, what are you gonna do when you have a child and aren’t working?” – why won’t I be working?! And my mulberry has plenty of room for nappies!
    I think we should all start thinking before making comments to other people that they could find hurtful or offensive!

  30. Sarah t
    May 14, 2015 / 7:27 am

    The comments are awful we’ve been trying for two years had tests (un explained infertility) just got to keep trying currently giving acupuncture a go people constantly are making comments and they don’t realise we are struggling grrrrr!

  31. Alice Perry
    May 14, 2015 / 7:37 am

    I always get “do you have a preference?” in relation to the gender. Like I’m going to say “yes I want a boy/girl” and then express my disappointment when it’s the opposite. I can just imagine the insensitive comments that would follow that one!

  32. Georgie
    May 14, 2015 / 7:44 am

    Sheesh pregnant women are so touchy! I can say that now since I gave birth to a 9lb 2oz (I know) daughter last Wednesday. The baby’s been an angel it’s her 3 year old brother causing is the trouble but I honestly wouldn’t change it for the world.

    • May 14, 2015 / 8:18 am

      Haha – we can add that first sentence to the list! ; )
      Congrats on the new baby! xxx

  33. May 14, 2015 / 8:15 am

    I had so many opinions and views flung in my direction during pregnancy ranging from what to eat to when to sleep to how my job as a hairdresser was putting me at risk to which buggy was best to blah blah blah!

    I just nodder whilst pretending to listen intently before ignoring and doing what felt best for me. People will always make comments and venture opinions that aren’t asked for so rather than get upset or angry I just choose not to listen.

    It carries on after birth too. I had my baby on Saturday and we are still in hospital. He came 5 weeks early so we are waiting for his lungs to feel better. I had an amazing labour and can honestly say it will be a cherished memory forever. I had an epidural and pushed him out within half an hr with 12 pushes (my other half counted because he is weird that way!). Anyway, yesterday, a well wishing friend text said other half saying our situation is common when babies are delivered too quickly. So….. In effect…. This is my fault.lol.

    I must confess to having a cry about it, the old “don’t listen to nonsense” barrier had a fault in it due to my post natal hormone fog that has descended. But my midwife on the ward comforted me and said that I did nothing wrong and shouldn’t let anyone take my labour achievements away from me.

    She also said that it is common for people who are well wishing to completely put their foot right in it and that fundamentally, apart from praise and compliments people should really just shut up.

    So, keep calm, don’t let the voices in and just trust yourselves. Our bodies and out instincts know exactly what to do… more than any busy body on Google could, that’s for sure!xxx

    • Rebecca
      May 19, 2015 / 9:00 am

      ‘Labour achievements’ is a strange phrase- labour isn’t a contest. Some are just luckier than others! Let’s not make women who have difficult labours feel like it’s in some way their fault- it’s not.

      Congratulations on your baby though!

  34. S
    May 14, 2015 / 8:21 am

    I have a little boy and am pregnant with no.2. We haven’t found out the sex. I have had several people- total strangers and relatives alike say to me- ‘so you’ll be wanting a girl this time?’ Or ‘will you be disappointed if it’s another boy?’
    For some it seems that they are already disappointed on my behalf that there’s the 50% chance of it not being a girl which sounds ridiculous!

    I have had most of the above comments but this annoys me the most as it goes without saying that I will be over joyed with either sex and I’m just looking forward to meeting and holding my baby.

    Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and with the house renovations. Thankyou for taking the time to write about your experiences, I have really enjoyed following your journey.

    S.x

  35. Dawn Fortuna
    May 14, 2015 / 8:39 am

    One of the most annoying things is that even before you get pregnant, as SOON as you get married everyone feels they have the right to ask you “so are you trying then?” I mean why do people suddenly feel they can ask about your sex life! This is obviously made more annoying when you are secretly trying and not succeeding (no worries now as I have a gorgeous little girl).

  36. Sam
    May 14, 2015 / 8:45 am

    There’s a guy at my work who thinks he knows EVERYTHING about pregnancy and babies (he and his wife have 2 kids). His constant “advice” really winds me up. I feel like saying for a start, YOU didn’t carry those babies so really I couldn’t care less for your pregnancy advice!

    He also has a habit of asking if I’m sure I’m “allowed” things (taking two paracetamol for a headache for example). I feel like saying either “no, this will definitely kill the baby” just to see his response or “oh you’ve got me! Are you going to tell the pregnancy police?”

    It’s men’s advice that gets me the most because they’ve never even been through it! Another guy at my work asked me if I was “allowed” to wear heels when I was like 10 weeks pregnant!!! The mind boggles!

  37. Dawn Fortuna
    May 14, 2015 / 8:48 am

    I have just remembered a post birth comment from a neighbour who had never spoken to me before (you will suddenly find strangers coming and asking to look at your newborn). It was my first trip out of the house, a quick walk around the block with the hubby, probably when my daughter was 3 or 4 days old. This lady comes over and says “oh you are walking like someone who has just given birth” I mean cheeky cow, yes I had just pushed a child out of my vagina and was walking a bit John Wayne-esk but for goodness sake keep your comments to yourself! So funny looking back but I was mortified at the time.

  38. Joanne
    May 14, 2015 / 8:48 am

    I am 14 wks with my 2nd and my in laws first comment was “we hope it’s a girl”. I spoke to my stomach and said “hear that? If you are a boy you better have a good explanation for your grandparents”
    My little boy is only 1 so I get lots of “how are you going to cope” comments too. The same way the thousands of other couples cope I expect. Shut up and get on with it!

  39. Andrea
    May 14, 2015 / 9:19 am

    On a Party I was told in Front of other People from a couple (they work both as Nurses ), that ist really not normal to Breastfeed for 15 month?! I replied, who decided whats normal…

    Greetings from Germany

  40. heather
    May 14, 2015 / 9:24 am

    My boss asked me if my pregnancy was good news or bad news! Seriously? ?? I was very happy-but imagine if it was an unplanned pregnancy i wasn’t ready for?

  41. Sarra
    May 14, 2015 / 10:24 am

    When I was 15 weeks pregnant, I wasn’t showing at all and was still in my normal size 10 clothes. A man I didn’t know (but who had heard I was pregnant) called me Fatty in an email. When I asked why he thought that was ok, he replied, “well you’re pregnant, I’m allowed.”

  42. jane
    May 14, 2015 / 11:03 am

    The thing that annoys me most is that I am training to be a midwife and people constantly ask me if I am put off having children and if anything it is doing the opposite! I am not married and not ready for children yet but when I do have them I know I will constantly get those comments and especially because I will be a midwife myself!

    The twin gene runs strongly in my family and I have a very high chance of having twins! I am very skinny and petite and the first thing my dad said when he found out was ‘oh dear you’re way too small to carry twins’ and that really annoyed me!

    Enough of my rambling, I wish you health and continued happiness for your new family!

    Xxxx

  43. Natasha
    May 14, 2015 / 11:25 am

    Finally someone that agrees pregnant women are not eating for two! People would tell me my bump was small and that I should eat more because I’m eating for two now, as though I was starving my baby. Other times, people wouldn’t say anything, but give a shocked look as if to say “what? You’re pregnant? Are you sure? (The joke is on them with this one I always think because how silly of a question is that) I even got dirty looks whist sitting on the train on the elderly/pregnant reserved seat. Big, small, slightly oblong; either way, we can’t win. Makes you appreciate those that just say congrats and continue about their business. Congratulations Ruth! Xx

  44. LK
    May 14, 2015 / 11:37 am

    “The thing is, you’re not going to thank me if let you do this and you have a stillbirth” – said to me by my consultant because I wanted to go TWO days over my due date with gestational diabetes before being induced. (I’d already compromised by coming back from 41+2 – The National Guidelines recommend only offering induction at 40+6 weeks if you have GD.)

    I had done my research and knew the risks so I recognised it for what it was – shitty scare tactics – but if I hadn’t I would have been terrified and agreed to anything. Instead I just stood my ground and didn’t budge the consultant just had to accept it.

    Whatever about well-meaning lay people, health professionals should really know better!

  45. Lauren
    May 14, 2015 / 12:12 pm

    I feel exactly the same about the smug, ill-wishing tone to so many comments. When they relate to labour, I do wonder whether some people haven’t quite recovered from the trauma of their own labour and almost (subconsciously, of course) don’t want other people to have an easier time than they did. They want you to know how much they suffered rather than just keeping an open mind and hoping you will have an easier ride than they did. With the gender thing, they are so DESPERATE to be proven right. It’s 50/50! We are finding out the gender but have had people express their dismay “oh no, but it’s SUCH a lovely surprise to find out at birth”. OK, well we won’t tell you until it’s born if you want a surprise so much. Live and let live!

  46. NMo
    May 14, 2015 / 12:46 pm

    Being congratulated on my pregnancy..a YEAR after giving birth….mum tum 4 eva

  47. Gillian
    May 14, 2015 / 12:51 pm

    The ‘was it planned’ is just such a personal thing to say. I got that a lot with my last baby as she was 7 years younger than her brother and 9 younger than her sister. The fact of the matter was that I have Rheumatoid and had been on very strong meds, which had stopped me from ovulating, unknown to us until 15 months of trying later, the GP did a blood test which revealed this fact. She then stuck me on a course of fertility meds and bingo 8 months later I was pregnant again and ditzy as all hell with it!! I almost got myself run over and left my hangbag in a supermarket coffee shop, both on the same day. I came home and did a pregnancy test a couple days later and found out why!! She’s now 15!!!

  48. jewls
    May 14, 2015 / 1:27 pm

    When I was pregnant I felt some people didn’t filter their thoughts, at 25 weeks I was told “your huge, you will definitely need to have a c section”, I was also told by another co worker “you probably wouldn’t look so big if you didn’t wear such clingy clothes”. I was wearing maternity clothes for my size, I liked my bump and was excited about looking pregnant, especially when it was such a struggle to get and stay pregnant. Then when I was in my third trimester I was asked “so when are you having the next one”, I felt like saying, I know I havent had this one yet, but we are currently trying for the next one!!

  49. Dani
    May 14, 2015 / 3:53 pm

    i got loads of teen mum comments when I was pregnant (even from midwives who knew my age) I was 22!
    I was constantly told how small I was and how I’d have a small baby – yes, I am only 5ft tall and my boyfriend is 5ft 7 so I’m not going to give birth to the BFG am I?!

    I have learnt just to tell pregnant women that they look great and to ask how they are doing!

    Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes as smoothly as possible! x

  50. Emma Brice
    May 14, 2015 / 4:21 pm

    I keep getting…..”Do you think you should be driving, you are only a couple of weeks from your due date????” Jeez so I should just walk everywhere???? Or maybe they think I am a rubbish driver 🙂

  51. Marce
    May 14, 2015 / 4:29 pm

    Actually my Boyf has one…. Your life is going to really change you know!! He said loads of people have said to him and I think it’s just because he’s v social but as he says, he’s well aware of it and wanted to be a dad for years and it will be a good change, not a negative one! Also, after a v hard time last year, it’s made us want our baby girl even more !
    I just get the chunky comments but my response is well it’s not forever, what’s your excuse? Haha!

  52. Lisa
    May 14, 2015 / 6:31 pm

    I don’t think I’ll talk to a pregnant woman again! I’ll let them talk, I’ll just listen. “Congratulations, I’m so happy for you!”

  53. Demelza
    May 14, 2015 / 7:25 pm

    I know I have definitely said some annoying things to pregnant ladies before I had our little girl.
    My sil advised to me decline part of my induction (11 days o/d) as her neighbour lost her baby son because of this procedure-this was 2 hours before I was due to check in at hospital. I was a basket case-so upset. But I have been asked by close(?) friends if pregnancy was planned!!!
    Love the blog Ruth. But it’s making me feel broody-10 months on!!!

  54. Lorraine
    May 14, 2015 / 7:59 pm

    The morning after I gave birth I had to go to the antenatal ward to have breakfast. One of the pregnant women asked when my baby was due and then said ” I hope I don’t look that big after I’ve had my baby.” So upsetting when your hormones are all over the place!

    • Arianna
      June 15, 2015 / 10:03 am

      Her brain was all over the place too!

  55. Sabrina
    May 14, 2015 / 9:04 pm

    People touching your belly without asking. Been there, too. After being dumbfounded by them touching my belly, my sisters in law told me that “I have to deal with it now that I am pregnant. After all, it is not just my baby! It belongs to the whole family” ERRRR….WHAT????????????????

    When I could not keep up with his speed of walking up the stairs, a colleague told me “Well, you chose to get pregnant…” Thanks.

    Oh, and if anyone asks me ever again if we have finished the nursery yet (I am 25 weeks, plenty of time still)…

  56. Gretchen
    May 15, 2015 / 2:07 am

    Well…I can say the comments don’t stop after you have one……After 3IVF and one miscarriage to have the one….always the questions….Oh….don’t you want a second……Well – yes – after 6 rounds of IVF and 3 more miscarriages yes I do – but now at almost 44 – putting my family in financial strain don’t think it’s in the cards! and then you also get – but oh you can adopt – well no joke – it’s not free – and did I mention the financial strain…..people just love to make comments that make your heartache worse……

    Just enjoy every second of everything!!!!!! It is a miracle and a joy!

  57. Oh Hey! Blog
    May 15, 2015 / 4:46 am

    I’m not pregnant nor have I ever been (yet) but all of the above make me cringe, and some just get me furious. For something so absolutely personal (what’s more personal than growing a teenie tiny human inside you) people have absolutely no filter. I would lose my cool, I’m losing my cool now and I’m not even pregnant! hahaha. Hope it’s not getting to you too much.

    Megan

  58. Sarah
    May 15, 2015 / 4:01 pm

    “Are you finding out the sex?”
    – No we are having a surprise.
    “Why? It’s a surprise finding at the 20 week scan too”
    – We decided to wait thank you.
    “You could have a 4d scan and find out”
    – I’m alright thanks.
    “They are a bit expensive. Will you be upset if it’s another boy?” (Gestures towards toddler son)
    – No I’ll love my child just as much thank you.
    “But wouldn’t’t it be nice to have one of each?”
    – wouldn’t it be nice if you buggered off total stranger in sainsburys?!

  59. Mimi Bella
    May 15, 2015 / 4:16 pm

    I enjoyed this post so much I can’t tell you! No 5 is the one my husband & I get annoyed with all the time. ‘Just you wait…’ comments in any regard are so irritating and non helpful! We got it when we bought our house too, ‘Just you wait until you have to pay a mortgage. And bills. You’ll be eating baked beans out of a tin permanently’ Erm, not so much, thanks for the pessimism though.

    Have to add my own to the list. I am currently 24 weeks pregnant with my first:

    * ‘Was it planned, or….?’ – I was so surprised by this one! It’s just so incredibly rude and nosy. If it wasn’t ‘planned’, am I supposed to be ashamed? The mind boggles
    * A lady at work ‘affectionately’ calls me ‘fatty’ every time she sees me. I’m not ok with this
    * ‘You look tired’ – Erm, I AM tired! I’M GROWING A HUMAN. Thanks so much for essentially telling me I look like crap though

    The best of the bunch comes from my own mother. She seems to be obsessed with that fact that when she was pregnant with me, she was much skinnier than I am now. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with this information, but she keeps telling me regardless. The other day, I saw that I had received two text messages from her. Opened them to find two picture messages – one with the caption ‘Me at 4 months pregnant with you. I was even sticking it out a bit!’ then the other captioned – ‘Me at 5 months pregnant’ (which was how pregnant I was at the time). In both pictures she is 21 years old and has no visible bump at all. For the record, I think I look like a normal pregnant woman, with a bump, who still fits in to alot of her size 8 clothes….

    Well sorry for the essay! That was quite therapeutic but now I feel like going and having a cry as I’m only going to get bigger, which means my mum will only get ruder *sigh*

  60. Chotskibelle
    May 15, 2015 / 4:55 pm

    Hi Ruth,

    First of all, congratulations and I’ve throughly enjoyed this blog. And thank you for this post. It’s helped me understand what not to say to a pregnant friend.

    Chotskibelle

  61. Jo Nich
    May 15, 2015 / 7:02 pm

    Hi Ruth, congratulations by the way! A bit late but this is the first time I’ve commented. My best friend said to a 18 week pregnant me after poking my belly like it was an alien. ‘You don’t look pregnant, you just look bloated’!!!!! I Very nearly popped there an then!!

    Any ideas on something to moistureize my skin! My body, arms, legs and basically everything is itching like hell. Good creams or oils? Good shower gels? Thanks muchly! Xxxx

  62. Mq, cb
    May 15, 2015 / 8:02 pm

    Just read through all the comments. Depending on whether someone is being intentionally or recklessly rude or insensitive, I can see how a lot of them would offend. However, I do think that some of them reflect the natural human tendency to regard a pregnant woman as a type of public property. It’s not really about the mother, but more a reflection of the fact that you’re producing a baby and we’re biologically driven to protect, care and hence be interested in babies. It’s also worth noting that there are pregnant women who will be mortally offended if you don’t ask what the baby will be called, and will then tell you things which really I don’t want to know about myself, let alone anyone else. Boundaries differ.

    The only comments I find truly objectionable is where people comment on a lack of children. After all, no one really knows why anyone doesn’t have children. What they say about it may be true or a polite fiction, but to comment on something that could easily involve a lot of private pain shows a disturbing lack of empathy. I say this as a childless woman. (I should add at this point that there is no great unseen pain in my life; I simply never met a person with whom I wanted to have children, and didn’t feel strongly enough about it have them on my own. That said, no one knows this unless I tell them and it’s not something I typically talk about). I’m still not entirely sure why people assume that I should have had children, but when I say I don’t, I either get the deathly silence that endures, or the comment, “were you concentrating on your career?” (which says a lot about what they’re minded to think about me on a short acquaintance) or, the worst one ever, “well, you’re really just like a man then, aren’t you?” which is insulting on several levels to me, to women generally, and even to poor, benighted men as well. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to get these comments when you wanted but couldn’t have children.

    OK, here’s my contribution to Things People Say …

    Said by a female pregnant acquaintance (whom I have never liked, but now can not bear at all, mainly because of this comment) on hearing that a mutual acquaintance had miscarried late one of her twins, and who as a result had to deliver both her live and stillborn children, “what’s she complaining about? She’s still got the other one!”

    What puts the cherry on the top is that the woman who said this was pregnant at the time, and was probably just peeved that the other woman was getting more attention because her child had died. See what I mean about a disturbing lack of empathy?

  63. AMS
    May 16, 2015 / 12:33 am

    M-I-L: what colour was she when she was born? (She’s Indian, I’m Caucasian)

    • AMS
      May 16, 2015 / 12:35 am

      And people that still ask, “What colour is she?” (Referring to my daughter, whom they haven’t met)

      • AMS
        May 16, 2015 / 12:36 am

        Oh wait, one more: I’m pregnant now again and people who ask, “What do you want, a boy or a girl?”

  64. May 16, 2015 / 2:47 am

    “Are you trying??” When doing fertility treatment for first one.
    “Are you going to have another?” Immediately after giving birth to #1.
    “Oooo, you’ve got your hands full now!!” After #2 OR “are you going to try for a girl next?” After two boys. How do I try for a girl, someone please tell me!

    I found any comments about sleep, both before and after birth super annoying. Yes, I’m aware babies wake up at night. That being said, I’m still guilty of saying it to others. My life revolved around naps for a period of time, I felt the need to let everyone know it! I think most comments are realing telling about the person that says them.

    Best wishes Ruth, you look gorgeous!

  65. Christiane
    May 16, 2015 / 5:14 pm

    Hey Ruth,
    thank you so much for this blog and especially this post!
    I have been following ever since you announced your pregnancy and am now 18 weeks pregnant myself.
    Since I am 3 years older than you, you can imagine that I had my fair share of comments on my age as well (“I am so happy for you, I mean, at your age… Is the baby ok / any signs of Diabetes yet / it sure is going to be an girl then…”).
    Then the colleagues, going on about how the pleasures of going out and spending nice holidays will now be over for good. Well, I am sorry for you if this was your experience!
    “Oh, a friend of mine is about the same week as you are but your bump is already huuuge compared to hers..”
    Even more inappropriate however, the comments my Mum and even my husband received so far. People are incredible.. My Mum recently told me that some of her ‘friends’ had regularly been asking whether she was still not going to have any grandchildren and how nice it was to actually have some…
    My husband experienced a nice one on how his sexlife would now be inexistent for a good couple of years…?!
    The best for last – a lady, guessing my ability to breastfeed from the size of my boobs.. Thanks, mind your own business.

    Good luck for you and the little one, and enjoy the remaining weeks of your pregnancy as best you can!

  66. ZainieandherElf
    May 16, 2015 / 5:15 pm

    Alas, could not agree more with No. 5!! It’s not just with pregnancy/parenthood. People who say ‘just wait until…’ about everything, the whole ‘the worst is yet to come’ ! It’s like they are dismissing your experiences. I mean we all struggle, and we all having coping mechanisms and of course with experience, comes ease. Some people are just born querulous.
    Because this attitude bothers me, I take care not to do it. When people complain about the first couple of months postpartum or whatever I just say you get through it and it all passes in a haze.

    Oh and the whole you’ll be doing this or you are going to turn into that as if just because they went through something you have to go through it too. The truth is everyone is different, and every child is different.

    (Haha also I am constantly being told my belly is really small. But that doesn’t bother me, because, well, it is.)

    Anyway I am feeling extra sensitive too these days. But I am also feeling a little excited. We’re on the home stretch now…

  67. AB
    May 17, 2015 / 12:23 pm

    I got annoyed with everyone asking for the baby’s name. (especially when it wasn’t chosen yet)
    Then, people asking me if I wish a boy or a girl.
    Also, everyone staring at me like “Are you really pregnant?”, “Oh my god, this little girl is pregnant?!” (because in my early twenties pregnancy I still look like a sixteen-year-old girl)
    And the last thing is when my family (especially my sister who is three years younger than me and has no baby yet) tries to give me advices and tells me that I totally don’t know what situation I’m going to be in, and that I won’t be able to live like I’m used to. …Wow, I really didn’t know that. XD

    • Magda
      May 17, 2015 / 9:03 pm

      Or saying by mothers/mothers in law/aunts that your life is not going to change after giving a birth – oh, really ;)) ??

  68. Claire
    May 17, 2015 / 1:04 pm

    I was repeatedly told that I had “ruined” my life when I was pregnant at 20. I was also asked if I found out too late to have an abortion. In the small town I was living in at the time, some people acted like it was the 50’s and I had been shamed with my out-of-wedlock baby (I moved to the other end of the country a few months after my daughter was born). Despite being in a long term relationship, it didn’t stop people from asking who the father was (which still happens now, 14 years later, even though I’m still with my daughter’s father – many people also told us/each other that we wouldn’t last 4 months post-pregnancy). Despite being the same age as Ruth (who looks so beautiful!), some assume that I am too selfish/career orientated to have any more children or I have now left it too late – both of which are hurtful and untrue.

  69. Starseed
    May 17, 2015 / 7:12 pm

    Oh God, the comments and the touching!!! I had forgotten all about it! The worst for me was still that people found that it was ok to stand and look at me when I was breastfeeding! I actually had to tell people to back off, and at one point I had to shoo away a lady who just sat down next to me and started asking about my milk!!!!!

    My poor little girl also had colic, so she cried every day from 3.30-9 in the evening, and the father works off shore, so I spent a lot of the first three months alone. The gf of a friend of us had a 1yearold at the time, an she actually asked me to babysit a few times, as “I had nothing else to do in the evenings either way”! And my mom tried to make me stop breastfeeding a couple weeks after birth, because “bottlefeeding makes the baby happier!” And the “when are you having the next one? /Oh she is an early teether, the next one is just around the corner, then!/Oh, she is doing (the things babies do), then the next one is on the way soon!”

    Oh lord, the complete and utter bollocks people say! If my kid was’nt such a perfect little treat, I would be put of having another just because the comments and the touching!!!

  70. Magda
    May 17, 2015 / 8:59 pm

    Saying by my own mother (educated woman who is very sweet but worries too much
    “Your baby is not growing inside you because your arms are to skinny” – and me having scans every 3 weeks because of some pregnancy problems!
    Asking every day how many times was I vomitting – which was up to 10-15 times a day and night because of my pregnancy problems, but should I count? And what difference does it make
    Said by my mother in law that I vomit because “it’s in my head” – now I’m 10 weeks pregnant with my second child and have the same problems as before and the reason is medically the same – hyperthyroidism.
    After giving birth in 34 week and 3 day of pregnancy with no medically related reason why so early asking me all the time “but what happened?”- well, my water broke and my little son must have been bored and wanted outside :))

    Cheers

  71. Victoria
    May 18, 2015 / 3:11 pm

    Hi Ruth! Where do I even begin? I am 12 weeks now and have been cornered by work colleagues repeatedly who asked me how we split our bills now that I will be earning less; another one was I will definitely get constipated and must drink hot water immediately from now on to eternity. My favourite one though was when my work colleague showed me her prig pics and then asked me if I had considered hiring a dietician as I snack too much and this is what she looked like when she binge ate. Seriously. some people are so insensitive! x

  72. Sam P
    May 18, 2015 / 8:10 pm

    Ah, this made me laugh so much. How rude are some people?! I have massive sympathy for you all not because I’ve been through it but because I have the exact opposite problem.
    Hubby and I decided early in our relationship that we didn’t want to have children, which fortunately my family are a-okay about but my in-laws… DEAR GOD IT’S CONSTANT! So when are you having one? Not feeling broody are you? You’re not getting any younger (I’m 31, not that it matters). And my personal favourite, you’ll change your mind when your older. ARGH! How old do I have to be before you people will accept I am capable of making a decision about my own body? Pensionable?! My MIL is the worst culprit – she just he can’t grasp why a woman wouldn’t want to have children and is always making comments about how its a “shame” and “such a waste” and how we are “depriving her of grandchildren” (she already has 2 from my sis-in-law). I could quite cheerfully throttle the woman. I mean, what, is my only use in life to procreate? Forget the fact that I have a successful career, nice house, good marriage, cute dog, etc – I have not given birth therefore I am a failure in life. Bullsh*t.
    Sorry, probably the exact opposite of what you guys experience but just goes to show you’re not safe whichever side of the baby fence you’re on!

    Good luck Ruth, you look fabulous and don’t let the buggers tell you otherwise!

  73. molly
    May 19, 2015 / 1:14 am

    It has been 21 years since my last baby and I can honestly say I’m not guilty of those awful things. No matter how tired or bloated the mom-to-be looks I’ll offer a cheery compliment on something. I was overweight with both my pregnancies and felt invisible. People don’t congratulate you or inquire about your bump…you are made to feel lucky you even got the attention to make a baby at all. Why can’t all women just support and uplift each other during this emotional and often scary time?

  74. Hannah W
    May 19, 2015 / 3:18 pm

    I’m 13 weeks. We told family and close friends pretty early on as we were so excited. So before we had the first scan basically everyone we had told had said “ohh.. what will you do if it’s twins?” Hmm, have twins I guess, duh! (It’s not twins btw). I guess I have all the above to look forward to, yippee!

  75. Clare
    May 20, 2015 / 12:53 pm

    Fab post! The comments never stop and I have found some of the most upsetting words come AFTER the birth. I will never understand why people expect to hear your whole birth and labour story. Its the most private, personal experience you can go through – why on earth is a woman expected to tell everyone the most intimate details and wear the birth experience like a badge of honour/failure. I remember being asked by several people if I’d had an epidural, and when I said yes, the reaction was ‘oh, never mind’ and somebody even said ‘you’ll do better next time’ (my baby was only a few days old – next time?!!). My friend’s husband randomly asked me if I’d torn during delivery and then preceeded to tell me about my friend’s tear and how the scar now looked! It was totally and utterly SURREAL! What is it about the whole pregnancy and birth thing that turns once normal people into scary people who ask questions even your midwife wouldn’t ask!?

    All the best Ruth and don’t feel obliged to tell anybody anything about your labour and birth. Do me a favour and tell those people with their pervy questions to just do one!

    PS Caroline Hirons is totally right with the pyjama rule. That is the single best bit of pregnancy and birth advice I have ever heard. Stay in those jim jams!!! xx

  76. Star
    May 22, 2015 / 11:12 pm

    We get ‘oh you’ve been together 10 years now when are you going to start trying?’ Or ‘you’re almost 31 don’t you think you should have a baby soon’ we’ve been trying and failing for 2 years now.
    The absolute worst is now my brother and his gf are expecting we get ‘it will be you next”they weren’t even trying’ ‘don’t you want kids then’ plus almost daily pregnancy updates from my mother about how wonderful it is and how it will be her first grandchild, yes we’re happy for them but please understand it’s hard for us xx

    • May 24, 2015 / 7:36 pm

      Oh no, the “we weren’t even trying” comment is like a proper slap in the face. That was always the worst for me. Hang on in there. xxx

  77. Lisa
    May 24, 2015 / 12:29 pm

    My favourite comment which I got ALOT was “it’s definitely a bit because you’re carrying it all in front”. Er where else would I be carrying?! Hehe

  78. Lisa
    May 24, 2015 / 12:32 pm

    I meant ” it’s definitely a BOY “! Not a bit.

  79. Laura
    May 24, 2015 / 5:15 pm

    These comments made me laugh! Hoping I will find myself pregnant soon, so can sympathise with many of the ‘Get a move on’ comments and desperately hoping that I haven’t blundered into any of these awful comments myself!
    The best/worst I have had so far was when I went to see my GP about acne on my face in my late 20’s which was getting progressively worse, and after making it quite clear she (yes, she) wasn’t going to take it seriously – she actually came out with ‘Just hurry up and get pregnant – that will sort your skin out’…I wouldn’t have quite believed it but my husband was with me, and he too was pretty bewildered by such ‘scientific’ advice. The downside is, it still hasn’t cleared up (and is worse now) and I feel it actually hinders efforts to try to get pregnant as I feel so self conscious about it.
    Anyway, Ruth – as ever you are brilliant and have covered your pregnancy honestly and with humour! Congratulations to you and Mr AMR and I wish you all the very best for your expanding family! X

  80. Liv1982
    May 28, 2015 / 7:06 am

    What I hated was people always telling me “Oh, your lives are definitely going to change now. No more freedom, no more outs with friends, no more carefree holidays, no more weekends away, no more time – not even a minute – alone, no more sleeping during the night…”. Nearing the end of my pregnancy, it was really depressing for me to have to keep hearing that, to the point where my husband and I were starting to wonder “OMG, what have we done?” – BUT what I love now is that our daughter is actually very well-behaved and easy-going. At a month and a half, she slept through the night, and to this day, still does. We can literally take her anywhere. We still go out to dinner with her and don’t have to take her behaviour into account. We go away with her for the weekend and instead of being annoying, she actually shows us how much she enjoys being away with us. She is like a dream!
    And so it’s really fun now telling all those people off and going “Well you were wrong now, weren’t you? Are your sure it’s not just you having really annoying kids?” 🙂

  81. Sarah
    May 30, 2015 / 5:41 pm

    Ruth, I am not a mom and am not planning on becoming one soon as I’m planning on going back to university soon, so I can’t even begin to understand what pregnancy has been like, but I have very much enjoyed your lovely posts letting us know how things are going. You make becoming a new mum look like such a natural and beautiful thing (because of course it is a very beautiful thing!). Best of luck to you during birth. Cannot wait to meet baby AMR. Hopefully lots of pics to follow!

  82. Katia Grinkov
    May 30, 2015 / 6:10 pm

    Ruth I heard all of those it drove me mad!! When I had my daughter the hospital told me I didn’t really have a say I asked to not get a lot of meds I didn’t even want the IV deathly afraid of needles. They made a horrible mistake and gave me a near overdose of a pain med and it caused my daughter to pass away. I can home and had people say it has been a week why are you still upset you didn’t even know her yet so it isn’t like you were attached. Also well better now before you want and love her. Then the topper wait 6 weeks and have another!!! It was a horrible I finally just locked my doors and avoided people that I knew for a good 3 months. I don’t understand why people have to judge and tell other woman how they should feel or how to have their baby.

  83. Andrea
    May 31, 2015 / 3:27 am

    I’m a bit late to the party but the worst for me came after having bubs and not being able to breastfeed, the amount of people that asked me (some random strangers) why I was bottle feeding my son and told me I obviously hadn’t tried hard enough with breastfeeding. I will add many of these were male. I ended up saying it was due to medical reasons instead of having to do the whole story about my son being prem, no milk, not latching blah blah. No wonder women suffer from baby blues when they are constantly being told they are doing things wrong.

  84. Siobhan
    June 1, 2015 / 7:50 pm

    It’s all so true! And I don’t think you’re being sensitive about it, it’s bizarre how people think they can get away with the most rude and intruding comments! One that I got a few times (I was 21 when I was pregnant) was ‘Are you happy about it?’ How ridiculously intrusive and completely none of their business that they would assume that it wasn’t planned (it wasn’t, but that’s not the point!). If it was a close friend, I wouldn’t mind as much I think. I also found that the comments got more annoying and ‘know-it-all’ after the baby was born, and the only piece of advice I would give is to ignore anyone who tries to give you advice! Except your mum of course 🙂 Anyway, good luck Ruth 🙂 x

  85. QUIOUSK
    June 19, 2015 / 11:44 am

    “When is your due date ? Oh forget it, you’ll never get that far !”. Lovely :).

  86. Poli
    June 21, 2015 / 8:54 am

    I hate when people are asking: what do you expecting? ..

    Then my answer is.. a giraffe!

  87. Victoria
    October 23, 2015 / 10:12 pm

    God this is so good. I’m exhausted today because at 36 weeks I sleep for like an hour then I’m up for at least three. I posted on fb to vent and I said OK WHEN IT’S FOR A PURPOSE I won’t mind losing sleep. Obviously meaning that when it’s to feed my son i won’t be complaining but for right now losing sleep is just p****ng me off. Both my sister and Aunt said some comments about wait until he’s born. Like are you even trying to read anymore?

    Such a stupid infuriating thing to say. For so many reasons. At least when he’s born I’ll be able to sleep on my back and it won’t take a crane for me to turn over. Also I don’t know any baby that takes 3 hours to feed. Thank you for this. I needed to vent outside of where people would respond. It just annoys me too because I’m not a complainer. So when I do you can’t even give me the courtesy (my aunt and sis) of reading what the hell I wrote before giving me some advice, makes me homicidal. God I need sleep 😀

  88. Niki
    December 17, 2015 / 2:58 pm

    I constantly get “look i know about pregnancy I’ve had ___ or/ and helped my sisters through theirs.” the last one who said that i snapped on because its my fifth pregnancy, though i have no kids, and almost none of their advice is accurate or applies to the fact that i have multiple health issues that i need to be seen every week or two. I also constantly get “are you sure you’re eating enough”or ” what you’re doing will harm the baby” based in the fact that I’ve lost weight due to the health issues. This one only makes me more anxious since i try my best to gain weight but cannot and am relieved at every ultrasound and every movement that I’m actually having a healthy looking baby who is even a bit large in my doctors opinion.

  89. K
    January 28, 2016 / 7:22 pm

    I fell apon this today and it really brightened my mood for some reason. Currently 21 weeks and a very tiny person to begin with….slightly unrelated but my husband anf i decided to get married before the baby is born ( so we did in dec.)

    Adding my own two cents
    my brother after i told him news of baby and marriage at the same time ( my bad) ” you dont have to get married just because your pregnant you know” ( im 23) – Right because were not in love…or anything
    Actually, one thing that really pissed me off was during my first tri my husband saying ” its too early for you too be tired” along with ” my sisters didnt stop working until they delivered” good for them, i am not them!!!
    My own family, on me saying nothing fits because ” your not even showing” is a suitable answer to how much weight i actually gained ( quite a but might i add)!
    His family is still convinced im having twins because it runs in his family. Believe me theres only one little girl in there i have the picture ti prove it!
    People love telling me how small i am is the most annoying!
    Okay, im done ranting

  90. A
    June 30, 2016 / 4:23 pm

    When i showed a friend a scan of our baby at 21 weeks. Her comment ‘oh it has a head!’ … Of course he does! what do you think? The head grows last? It’s like people don’t understand the basics of having a baby. I have to put in, she’s a scientist with a PhD as well.

    ‘Oh wait till the end, you will feel horrible!’ In response to my comment, I’ve been feeling great so far. How encouraging.

    ‘well you must be having a monster!’ when I’m eating again. No I’m having a perfectly healthy intelligent baby boy, thank you very much.

    And any male who thinks it’s okay to stare at your bump and then comment on your weight. Go! Away!

  91. Clozzer
    October 3, 2016 / 7:58 pm

    Seriously late to the party, however I stumbled upon your new YouTube channel, which has lead me here and now I am diligently working my way through your posts. Thank you so much for creating this blog and the channel, its very useful and refreshing!

    I have suffered previous losses, I am currently 17 weeks pregnant and all (fingers crossed appears well). The worst thing said to me during my losses was by my own mother. At the stage the comment was made, I had endured two missed miscarriages, both of which had to be medically managed as my body wasn’t miscarrying naturally. Anyway, my sister experienced an early natural miscarriage following the birth of her son, my mother said to me after I revealed my second pregnancy was not viable “oh, well you’ve not had it as bad as your sister, at least you didn’t see the heartbeat.” (She received an early scan – 8 weeks – as she was unsure about dates)
    No dear mother, I didn’t see the heartbeat because both times I was informed at my 12 week scan that the baby had passed away in the previous weeks. I had D&C’s following those miscarriages, as both times the sac was deemed too large to pass. On both occasions I was poorly for several months after. I still have yet to forgive her for that comment, as all I needed to hear was loving words rather than a comparison to my sister. She’s a funny duck is my mum.

    As for this pregnancy my MIL is testing my patience. She constantly comments upon what I’m eating, tells me to relax in this pregnancy because she’s never had miscarriages or still births as they don’t run in her family (guilt trip right there) she says I don’t see her enough and that I should invite her over for lunch and to appointments (we see them most weekends, I have suffered with horrific m/s and I don’t fancy her seeing my insides thanks!) The zinger was that I showed signs of a threatened miscarriage at 12 weeks (without getting gory, my husband and I thought it was game over). We told her what happened and she said “oh don’t be silly, it’s nothing to worry about, lots of women experience it.” I turned to her and proceeded to graphically explain what happened, she simply went very quiet. I’m hoping that she doesn’t accuse me of being ‘silly’ again, because if she does I may just flip my lid!

    Congratulations on baby number 2, you look absolutely beautiful, looking forward to following your journey x

  92. Angharad Spooner
    November 3, 2016 / 12:43 am

    Awww is this your first???
    Nope 3rd
    OMG was that planned??!!

    You are 8 months and still being sick? Really?

    Why did you wait so long between each child??

    Lastly everyone has massive pride in telling their horror stories. Everyone person had the worst pregnancy ever, I have none, carried amazing just sick once a morning for 8 month’s I had normal straight forward births with no stitches or anything terrible…. I feel so left out!!

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