Angelica’s appetite for pretending to be other people (or making other people pretend to be other people) knows no bounds. It began with a weird Peter Rabbit/Mr McGregor role-play that I was repeatedly forced into but has steadily escalated, with new characters added daily until we reached the point I find myself at today, which is surely the amateur dramatics climax. I know around seventeen hundred different voices, can make a very convincing stew out of invisible ingredients and can, on demand, drop into an Oscar-worthy impression of an old wizard or a lonely giraffe. I’m like a role-play expert. We do so much role-playing that I’m not sure who I even am anymore.

“You be McGregor!” says Angelica, who should never have been given free reign with the bloody Beatrix Potter collector’s book set in the first place. Most of the stories are warped. “Mummy,” she says, getting frustrated even after the world’s shortest pause, “YOU BE GREGOR!”

If I don’t snap into character within a second or two, all hell breaks loose. Especially if Angelica has herself already morphed into Peter which – I should point out – takes a lot less energy than my own change into a convincing, evil Mr McGregor. Angelica merely stoops slightly to indicate a non-human sort of stance and then waits with a manic look on her face waiting for me to chase her.

“YOU BE MCGREGOR!” she shouts, “YOU CHASE ME!”

For some reason I adopt a Scottish accent when I become Mr McG, but it’s soon lost amidst my energetic roaring and the clomping of my boots as I gallop around and around on the wooden living room floor. (Good God, roll on the day when we cover the whole bloody thing in carpet. It’s dusty, noisy and draughty and I wince every time one of them falls over on it. If there’s an underlay that feels like the stuff they put into play parks as flooring, I’ll have that.)

“Did you eat all my radishes?” I growl.

“Yes, McGregor!” says Angelica, unable to disguise her sense of absolute glee. “And cucumberererers, and cherry tomatoes and lettuce!”

“My cucumbererererers?” Sometimes I roar so convincingly that Angelica jumps, which is actually satisfying, though I probably shouldn’t admit it. Not that she ever gets properly scared – even when I think I’ve riled her, and I’m about to catch her with my garden net and put her in Mrs McGregor’s pie, she’s never really fully engaged with the fantasy.

“So!” I bellow. “I have you in my net! Your Mummy rabbit told you never to go in Mr McGregor’s garden, yet here you are, plump with my carrots! Filled with my lettuces! My prize tomatoes are in your tummy, the radishes I toiled over are nibbled and ruined, the apples are spoilt, the cucumbers are all but destroyed!”

“Yeah,” says Angelica/Peter, casual as you like; “sorry about that.”

It’s not just Mr McGregor, either – I have to be witches (“You be witch, Mummy. You be witch – argh!”), wizards, a dragon called Monkey, a monkey called Doodle, a horse, a pig, a woman whose house is a squash and a squeeze. You be Frozen, Mummy, you be Dora. Be Backpack, be Llama, be a sneaky fox!

I’m beginning to perfect the art of mime and modern dance, slinking into various characters with all of the pizazz and smooth flourish of a Covent Garden street performer. With a dramatic grimace and a theatrical wave of the arms, I become the Shape Bandit, stealing spots from the bedsheets and triangles from the ceiling joists and throwing them into my invisible shape belt. It’s hard work, but someone has to do it.

Perhaps the most taxing type of role-play, though, is being asked to play someone real, someone you know. The favourite at the moment is Grandad.

“You be Grandad, Mummy!”

Now you have to be really careful when you do an impression of a real-life person. I mean, which characteristics do you draw upon? And if you simply make things up, because you’re tired (the lazy characterisation), are you unwittingly creating a whole new persona for someone which will then be really confusing for the child when they next meet them?

Luckily Grandad has many good, solid characteristics to mimic, including a distinct, melodic voice (he’s from Liverpool and so I like to just say words like “duck” (dooock!) and “book” (boooock!) a lot – I told you it’s lazy) and vast amounts of white, cloud-like hair. The sorts of things that small children easily recognise.

So Grandad is a very popular role-play request, not least because he takes Angelica around the (living room) garden and shows her the (armchair) elephant topiary hedge. It only gets weird when Angelica starts to tell Grandad off, mainly for not taking her to see Granny (where the hell do we conjure up Granny from?!) and then I lose track of who I am and what on earth is happening.

Oh, it’s all good fun. It does make me giggle. The only time that it wasn’t so funny was when we were out at the shops and Angelica suddenly decided to be Peter rabbit, with a terrified look on her face, but showing no other real indication that she was, in fact, pretending to be a rabbit.

“Oh, don’t cut me with the knife,” she begged. “Oh please! Oh please don’t cut me!” I tried to shush her without attracting any more attention to us. “Oh please, don’t hurt me! Don’t kick me with boots!” Luckily after a few seconds, she then came out with “don’t put me in the pie!” and I think at that point most of the dozen or so spectators, who I’m sure were all standing there looking horrified, were satisfied that I wasn’t some sort of psychotic killer. But who knows. I’ll look out for my face on Crimewatch
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parenting update

I think, for the first time, my self-imposed monthly update deadline may have beaten me. I do not have a single ounce of energy to type up my thoughts or think of witty things to say about poo (or the fact that the other day I got poo all over my tracksuit bottoms, which is a disaster in this house because I only have one pair of tracksuit bottoms that fit and if I have to wear actual clothes, ones that I could go out in public in, it takes me about eight hours to find something decent) and I have no brain space to remember baby milestones or quirky little things that Angelica has said over the past few weeks.

In short, I have failed you.

Rather melodramatic, that statement, but it’s annoying that for almost three years I’ve managed to give you a run-down of the previous month, warts and all, and now I’m about to let myself down….

…but wait! With all of this waffling, I could have written the update by now! Let’s give it a try, shall we? I’m going to summon up every molecule of energy available (just eaten a whole bar of white chocolate, so that should help things along) and whizz through some important facts. Then at least you have the bare bones of the Month of March and we can flesh things out a bit when I have some more time…

On the whole time thing; I thought that as the babies got older, I’d have more time. “They’ll play together!” I thought, “on their own!” “I’ll just need to peep at them every few minutes to make sure they haven’t started eating the dog food or poking things into the plug sockets or colouring in the kitchen units with the black marker pen. If I just keep half an eye on them, everything will be fine.”

Not true. It’s like trying to look after two very drunk people who very definitely want a kebab and will not get on the bus but can’t find their purse or stand up straight and might very well puke on the glass-fronted counter. Anyway, lots of fun but there is no way in hell that you can get any work done whilst looking after a toddler and a baby. Or a toddler and a toddler. Because now Ted is on the move, which is a whole new world of constant danger…

Toddler

Angelica’s favourite things of the month: “big girl knickers” (she’s pretty much 100% toilet trained, if that’s the right phrase, and is dry at night – I just need to be brave and take the nappy off once and for all!), Peter Rabbit (the obsession with Peter Rabbit and Mr McGregor continues – she went to the cinema to see the new film but it cut off half way through), running (on the world’s most slippery wooden floor – roll on carpeting day), storytime (anything and everything) and Hippo. Hippo is a nightlight that she has at the end of her cot; he glows different colours and then, annoyingly, every five minutes he turns off. Which means that we have to run up the stairs about fifty times a night turning him back on again. “MUMMY! DADDY! Hippo gone off!” A sane woman would just buy another nightlight, one that stays on…

Baby

Ted is walking – running, actually. He went from crawling to cruising to walking in the space of about eight seconds and now can be found quite literally hurtling himself up and down the living room, usually holding something dangerous such as a fork or the rod from the dog toy or a twig that’s fallen down the chimney. (Bloody birds.) He is also saying Mama, Dada, RAAAAH! (if you say “be a dinosaur!”) and Row Row. (Row Row being famous lyrics from the well-known song Row Row Row Your Boat. A mind-numbing song if ever there was one. Although great for bastardising with mildly inappropriate alternative versions. I’ll write them down for you one day.)

Me

Ugh. No energy, no brain space, no emotional space – I need a holiday. Just some sun. Somewhere with a kids’ club. Is 14 months too young for an hour or so in a kids’ club? Do we trust kids’ clubs? I have to admit that I find the idea of them faintly horrifying, only because I have a thing about a) leaving babies alone with people I haven’t met at least nine billion times and b) being abroad. I worry about ice cubes abroad, about health and safety abroad, about sharks, jelly fish, spiders and sand creatures abroad. In short, despite being incredibly well-travelled and very open-minded, I am a terrible worrier when it comes to holidays. Abroad. Add two kids into the mix and it could well end up being less of a holiday, more of an exercise in extreme stress-testing. Discuss…

UPDATE: er, just realised that I wrote a whole update post anyway. Despite spending ten minutes telling you how I didn’t have the time. What a berk. I should just get on with the matter in hand instead of making excuses. Anyway, my Monthly Update Record remains untarnished for now. Ta-ta until next time…

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